


Heungtan .....dan

by joselingering



Category: K-pop, Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: ADHD Jimin, Comfort/Angst, Depressed Yoongi, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Intersex, LGBT, LGBTQ Character, Neurodiversity, Trans, Trans Character, autistic Taehyung, bangtan - Freeform, bts - Freeform, but its all gonna be fine sshhh, lgbtqia, ncns, neurodivergent, non-binary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-03-26 18:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3861049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joselingering/pseuds/joselingering
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in a boy group and realizing you're not a boy sure is tough. Luckily, Jimin is not alone in this.<br/>[Story currently on pause]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to write about trans and neurodivergent Bangtan for a couple of days so whoop here it goes
> 
> The story will be multiple chapters long, with shorter chapters towards the end. I try to make it not "too" angsty. The story is barely progressing and rly dragged on btw, sorry for that ;u;

"Jiminie."

"Huh?" He opens an eye slowly. The group is being prepared for a live show in China: all group members still have clips in their hair and make up artists have to re-apply layers because the nervous idols can't keep still. They've trained weeks for this day (though it's a rarity for them to not practice) and here they are, waiting.

"Jiminie, I was wondering." 

Taehyung moves closer, focus moving from the mirrored image of the two to themselves. "Go on."

"I was wondering, do you think I can get that look from a while ago again? You know, with the [white line under my eyes](http://33.media.tumblr.com/bc431ec5b24262335edfda2103159083/tumblr_mpj7pnnubm1s90s52o2_250.gif)?"

Jimin stares down, thinking for a while and then nods as he remembers. "I'm sure yo- you can ask the make up artists about it." Jimin often stutters like that when he tries to talk in a different speed.

Expressionless face not changing, Taehyung shakes his head. "I want you to do it for me."

Jimin's head jerks to the left, but is nudged back gently by the make up artist's hand. "What, uhm." He looks at his friend through the mirror, a bit too embarrassed to stay still. "I'm not that good with make up."

"You don't know unless you try," Taehyung says with ease.

"Hm..." Jimin presses his lips outwards, making him resemble a goldfish a bit. His friend smiles at that thought. "Hmmmokay, I'll do it!" Jimin finally gives in.

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure."

It's settled then.

 

The next day is busy; in the morning everyone has to clean out the mess in their rooms because of Seokjin's and Hoseok's nagging, in the afternoon they have a fansign event and in the evening a radio interview. Because the concert is over and they have no proper space to practice for when they're back, 'exercising' is now just working out. However, there is just as few free time as usual and it needs to be planned carefully.

"Do you think we'll make it in time before the interview? I mean. I mean I don't want to have only half your face done and then have to erase it."

They're back in the hotel room, a bit tired from the fansign, though it was very fun. "We'll make it in time. I'll watch anime right before bed so you have more time, okay?" Taehyung assures him. Jimin, standing behind him, rummages through a small bag with all sorts of make up. "Ah, okay," he says in English. "Just sit down first." Taehyung does so, waiting for his friend to do something.

Jimin takes a couple of items and lays them out on the table. "I'm... not sure if I have the right kind of eye pencil? I haven't used these yet. Uhmm. Let's see..." He takes two in his hand and brings it up to the other's face, displaying them for him. "I think this one is too sparkly, but this one looks a bit too pink to count as white."

Taehyung sits still for a bit before chosing. "I think the pinkish one is fine," he says, pointing at the eye pencil. Jimin nods and puts the dismissed one back on the wooden table. But once the tip of the make up item is below Taehyung's eye, he doesn't dare using it.

"Ah, my hands are shaking. I can't do this when standing, heheh." He quickly takes a foldable chair that stood by the window and sets it down, taking seat. Taehyung chuckles a bit. "It's fine." 

Jimin grins, but becomes a bit more composed (for as far as he is able to) when he finally starts. "Ah, oops," he mumbles to himself before picking up another item. "You don't have concealer on yet. Let's do that first." Taehyung doesn't want to mess up his friend's concentration and stays still, replying with a mere "Hn-hmm."

Before applying the concealer that works like a mascara brush, Jimin doubts if using a sponge would be smart.

"I have to use my finger, sorry."

"It's fine."

Wiping his finger across the skin underneath closed eyes, he evens out the concealer.

Looking at his eyelids, Jimin remembers [a strange make up look](https://38.media.tumblr.com/305fb1c00bd4a19ef9c385cb71ca1fe5/tumblr_nkcdssImTl1slbyh5o1_500.gif) he himself once had for a shoot. He can't help it and smiles with lips pressed inwards, trying to hold in a laugh. Taehyung isn't aware and asks "What are you gonna put on now?"

"Hmm... I don't think you had eyeliner on." Jimin makes some hand gestures that imitate using a eyeliner pen, but those aren't necessarily meant for the other. "It was kind of a... nude look? I think that's what it's called."

Taking the light eye pencil in his hand, he gives a brief warning. "I want you to stay really still now and open your eyes, okay?" 

Taehyung speaks a soft "U-huh" and opens one of his eyes, because two might make him teary. Jimin sits closer and draws a thin edge on the eye's water line and curves it around the inner side of the eye. It looks almost magical how easily the sharp but soft tip can leave behind a trail that sticks so well on such an odd place in a face.

Jimin moves his chair back and places a hand over his view of one side of Taehyung's face. "I think you do need eyeliner after all? Not sure about mascara."

He sets the chair back to its old position and mirrors the light line onto the other eye.

"Do you have to take in meds yet?"

Jimin stops with the make up and looks at his friend. He's done with the wite line around the second eye anyway. "Oh, I. Not yet."

Knowing he will mess up Taehyung's face if he tries to talk when working on it, he doesn't hold up the black eyeliner for a while longer. Taehyung opens his eyes, knowing he can look.

Jimin answers: "They're still not sure what I have. First they thought it was a form of autism, because uh. Mainly because I can lose myself in an activity. But I'm too... expressive? I use too many facial expressions or something. It's kinda weird! So now they think it's ADHD because of my bad concentration."

Taehyung nods. "Ah, I see. Do you want to get medicines for it if they recommend that? Like ritalin?"

Jimin takes off the cap of the eyeliner pen and holds it in his other hand.

"I don- don't know. Maybe? If it helps."

Taehyung looks in the distance and mumbles a vague "That's true..."

Jimin holds out his flat hand with the palm facing the ceiling and brings his fingers back a couple of times; gesturing Taehyung to move his face closer. "Close your eyes please." He follows both requests. Jimin stretches the skin next to the eye with his fingers to make sure the make up won't miss a spot and crumble fast.

"And what about you?" 

"Me? Oh I..." Taehyung's mouth hangs open slightly. Jimin knows that's his real thinking face, though he used to think it was overacting back in trainee days.

"They've tried to test me for years, but they never knew what I had. There were so many disorders and syndromes they had in mind, but at the time I could only get one diagnosis, you know? So I got none."

The eyelids are practically perfect now, except for two little black dots that Jimin accidently caused.

"Ohh, I see! I think you told me this during trainee days. I'm still sorry I called you 4D that one time."

His friend produces a little laughing sound from the back of his troath and ensures him "It's fine. It's too long ago to be mad."

Jimin takes a cotton swab and puts the tip for maybe a milisecond against the opening of the make up remover bottle. Feeling it, he confirms it's not too damp or dry and is ready for use.

"Doesn't Hobi-hyung have the same thing?" Jimin asks as he gently dabs at the black dots. "I mean, I think he told me he couldn't get diagnosed for autism because... what did they say again?"

"He dances too well?"

The one doing the make up wipes the spots from earlier dry and thinks for a bit, because he didn't pay full attention to the reply.

"Oh, yeah, that's what he said! It's ridiculous, right?"

"Definitely," Taehyung replies as his eyes are still closed.

Jimin giggles. "You can open your eyes now."

"Okayyy..." Taehyung opens his eyes and looks around. "Bro, do you have a mirror?"

"Ah. Yeah! Let me just-" Jimin quickly extends his arm to the table to pick up the cosmetics purse. "This one has a mirror in it" he says as he zips it open.

Taehyung takes a closer look at his reflection. It's a bit hard when the bag is being hold and thus not held still, but it's beter than nothing. He tries out a couple of facial expressions, which Jimin thinks are all very handsome. He bites his lip, feeling somewhat guilty about his own jealousy.

"A-and?"

"It's really pretty of course!"

Jimin sighs in relief and puts the purse aside. He only needs to stand up and is wrapped into a hug right away. "Thank you so much," his friend says. Jimin snorts and stands on his toes, trying to not get a shoulder against his chin. "Heey, no problem, bro! You know you can trust my words."

"But can you trust MINE?" the taller one suddenly roars and starts tickling Jimin's armpits. He immediately laughs loudly and squeaks out "Tae-!!!" before he falls back onto the bed. The two roll around, tickling each other and tensing muscles at every tingle.

"Ahahaha, bro your make up- gets all- pfff, messy if you cry!" Jimin is lying under the other, trying to protect his vulnerable armpits with one hand while tickling with the other.

Taehyung squints his eyes and giggles. "Eheheh- it's fine, haha!" His head falls back as he laughs and he rolls to his side, trying to catch his breath.

"Jiminie," he starts. Said person is holding the length of his fingers aside his friend's teary eyes. Taehyung flutters them, making miniscule droplets stick onto the skin.

"Don't you want a make over too?"

Jimin drops his hand.

"Do you mean you can do that stuff well?"

"No."

Confusedly, Jimin raises his eyebrows.

"Sorry, I mean 'do you want a different make up style for yourself too?' It's meant like that."

"Hey," the muscley one smiles widely and pushes against his friend's shoulder a bit. "That's not what a make over is!"

Taehyung laughs without a sound at his mistake, scrunching his nose as he does. Then his eyes widen and he jokes with raised voice "Hey! How are you so sure!"

The other grins, enjoying this kind of gag. "I just know! Why do you ask!"

"Why are you so rude!" Taehyung replies loudly.

"Why are you!" Jimin yells in a similar volume, with emphasis on the 'you'.

"What!!"

"WHAT!"

They diverge from each other, nearly rolling off the bed from laughter.

Staring up at the wall, Jimin remembers something.

"Taetae-ah, I nearly forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"I did try out something different, but- aahh, it's kinda embarrassing!" Jimin says as he hides his face with two hands.

Taehyung quickly sits up, folding his legs and holding them. "I'm sure it's fine. I won't tell."

Stretching his body, Jimin reaches for his phone in his pocket. "Okay. I'll just show you." 

Jimin sits up too and opens his image folder. Curious about what will be shown, Taehyung moves closer and drapes an arm around the other.

"Found it."

He clicks on the photo and shows it to Taehyung, whose eyes go wide fast. Jimin can feel his heart pulse through his entire body but tries not to show his nervosity.

It only takes a few seconds before he can be relieved though. "You're a really pretty girl here!"

Jimin giggles a bit and moves his gaze on the wall to the picture, and then to his best friend. "You think?"

"Yes, of course." Taehyung smiles warmly.

Though Jimin is more confident nowadays about his body and though he knows he can pull off many looks, hearing this from someone else feels really special. He looks back at his selfie. In it, he has a not too baggy jacket on, a smile that's covered in pink and above it are closed eyes that are complemented by the make up around them. 

"That's a lot of pink though. I thought you liked blue more?" Taehyung asks.

"I do, I do," Jimin replies as he zooms in on his photo. There's pink on his eyelids, which fades from a peachy colour to brighter pink at the end. His lips share a similar effect. "But I just can't make blue eyeshadow work on me."

Taehyung pulls him a bit closer. "What about that light blue eye shadow thing you had for that photoshoot?"

Playing with the back of his friend's shirt, Jimin remembers the photoshoot for the second time today. "Yeah, I liked that too. But mostly because it looked strange, heheh."

Taehyung smiles in his square-shaped smile. Jimin thinks it's adorable and shows his affection with a hug.

 

After cuddling for maybe half a minute, Jimin is suddenly hit with reality. "Shit, what time is it?!"

His best friend draws back for a bit and points at Jimin's hand. "You have your phone, so--"

"We have less than twenty minutes before we leave!!!'"

The two if them quickly jump off the bed. Jimin throws everything blindly into the cosmetics bag and Taehyung is wise enough to use the make up remover and cotton pad himself, wiping all evidence of a make over away. "I'm gonna wash my face," he says as he heads over to the door. 

"Okay. And Taetae-ah?"

"Yeah?"

Jimin plays with his fingers. He knows he can tell the other everything, but some subjects are more sensitive. He decides to test the waters.

"You know we're going shopping tomorrow, right?"

Taehyung turns around, raising his eyebrows. "U-huh. Why?"

"Do you want to uhm. Look for... for girly clothing? Cute clothing?"

His friend laughs, but not in a ridiculing way. "Of course! It sounds like fun."

Jimin sighs in relief and grabs his personal items, before following Taehyung outside the room.

Tomorrow.

 


	2. Day 2. Morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2! ^u^ The story is progressing slower than planned, but I like how it feels like there's less of a rush in it now.

"Everyone, wake up! We have to leave in two hours, which is a very short amount of time for your lazy asses!" Seokjin is going through the hotel rooms, trying to wake up the other members.

Jimin groans. Who is shaking his shoulders so much? He opens his eyes.

"Oh, hey--"

"Sssh!" Taehyung hushes him behind an index finger. "No-one can know I'm here."

Jimin understands. No person in the group likes getting out of bed, but he knows that once Taehyung has to, he'll find another bed to lie in. Often, it's his.

As he allows him to hide under the covers, he sees his one of roommates sitting by the edge of his own bed. Hoseok is probably in another room, being grumpy to someone else. Namjoon's legs are shivering and his eyes are nearly closed. His light grey hoodie is pulled tight around the head so only the upper half of his face peek out. It means he's not in the mood for talking, but Jimin doesn't draw that conclusion as he has already averted his attention to someone else.

A ball of messy hair disappears under his duvet and a thin, veiny arm reaches around before pulling the material over the rest of Taehyung's body. Jimin keeps his head visible above the covers as a camouflage for his friend. Good thing Taehyung is facing the wall side of the bed, so Jimin can block the view behind him.

Namjoon doesn't bother them. Jimin feels like it's half an hour, but he's bad at estimating these things so it's not sure. The arms around his waist first made little circles on his clothed skin, but now they're just resting around the curve of his hips. Taehyung is breathing softly in a regulated speed - probably sleeping again. Jimin doesn't understand how his weight is not crushing the arm underneath him, but he's too tired to do something about it. Too sleepy...

 

"I can't believe you just allow him to do that!" Jin sounds angry, but moreover disappointed. He really is like a parent to the group.

Jimin barely registers the conversation going on in his room, but perks up when he hears Hoseok reply.

"Ooh, come on, I wasn't even present!" His tone sounds a bit sarcastic, but he means it.

Taehyung appears to wake up. His head slowly peaks out from under the soft duvet and he whispers a "Morning..."

Jimin sits up and shuffles back a bit, replying with the same word. His head feels heavy, but he doesn't want to look up, for he knows he'll be pulled into Seokjin, Hoseok and Namjoon's discussion. They're talking about Jimin covering for Taehyung or something. Playing with Taehyung's hair, he asks a question. "Taetae-ah, did you sleep well?"

Looking up, he nods and presses himself up by his elbows. Jimin thinks Taehyung's hair looks soft and he runs his hands through it, practically combing it. "We should get up by now--"

"Damn straight you should!" Seokjin snaps at him. His bushy eyebrows are pressed together firmly, but to Jimin he just looks like an upset koala and Jimin has to put effort into not laughing for it.

"I'm sorry, hyung," he says with the most professionality he can fake. He and Taehyung slip out of the bed. The one named last goes into his own hotel room to gather his clothes, while Jimin heads over to the bathroom connected to his assigned bedroom.

Advantage of using water here instead of at the dorm is that it costs no expenses depending on how much you use it. Additionally, you have the advantage that there won't be several people entering your shower unexpectedly because you need to save on said expenses. The little bit of privacy he now has calms his normally figuratively restless heart. Not that he wants to masturbate in the bathroom (he thinks that is an uncomfortable spot anyway), but he just needs some time and place to think. 

Once he turns on the tap in the shower, he already feels a bit more at ease. The sound of water running is so peaceful to him.

As he slips out of his somewhat smelly clothing and steps under the water hose, he feels close to reaching bliss. He hopes that Bangtan will get to do a photoshoot or MV involving aquatic environments soon.

He sprays water on his face from side to side until he has to gasp for air. His face is heated up and refreshed. It feels good. He does the same thing to the rest of his body. He can't think while doing something actively. It's not like the other members, and very much unlike multitasker Jeongguk. Jimin is aware he's wasting water and not exactly helping the environment, but he needs this.

He almost forgot what he wanted to think about, but remembers when he looks down at his body. Oh, right. Taehyung said he's a pretty girl yesterday. Not 'looks like', but is. He bites his lip, as he's still excited from getting that compliment. He doesn't really know what to do with this subject though, or with his chaotic thoughts in general. What if he would be a girl? Would he have bigger breasts? A different body? Would he have... to have it? His hand automatically goes for his chest, experimentally feeling it, trying to bend it into other shapes. Jimin soon quits that, thinking it's just silly. He somehow feels it should be possible to have this body and still be a girl, but he doesn't know how. He doesn't understand how he's thinking about this, when being just as fine with the thought of him being a boy. He just doesn't understand much about this whole thing, he realises. 

The hot water has been hitting Jimin from the waist down for too long and it's starting to hurt. Heat is being sent through his entire body and he frowns a bit as he feels something twitch. He knows how his body reacts to heat and yet he spills hot water like this. He decides to wash himself first, and then turn the knob of the tap until the water is ice cold.

"Jimin?" A voice calls from the bedroom. It sounds gentle. "Or Namjoon?" 

"Jimin!", he answers happily as if he's just learnt his own name. He turns off the water tap and steps out carefully, reaching for his towel.

"How long do you think you need?"

"Uhmm-" He slips and nearly falls on the cold tiles on the floor. "Just one sec, one sec!" he huffs as he tries to balance his body. He only sloppily dries himself off, before wrapping another towel around his lower waist.

Unlocking and opening the door, he's met by Seokjin. "Ah, why are you always like this," he says as he sees a near-naked Jimin sprint out of the bathroom.

Jimin turns around, laughing goofily. "Because I'm proud, hyung! Aren't you?" 

Jin just rolls his eyes and mumbles something about having to put up with all these youngsters.

When he's alone in the room, Jimin blushes a bit when thinking of his own words. He really is proud of his body. He's not... sure about the rest, but he has this settled. For now.

 


	3. Day 2. Afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this update took so long! i wrote slow and only little bits for a month and then suddenly an addittional 3k in one day. at the end of this chapter there's links to doodles and bios / headcanons that you can use as a reference.

It's a schedule free day! Taehyung can't keep still. Which is slightly inconvenient, considering everyone is cramped together in the car enough as it is. Normally they'd use a van, but now the group is doing activities outside their home country, they have to resort to other vehicles.

Taehyung's legs are kicking up a bit and it takes only a couple of seconds for Jeongguk to mimic him happily. Jimin sits in between the two and giggles, bouncing up as his enthusiasm is awoken.

It's silent for the rest and obviously that needs to be solved with songs. Jeongguk starts to hum something and Taehyung joins in. They end up singing trot together while Jimin listens to and looks at them in awe. It only takes a good 5 minutes before something is said about it.

"Kids, can you please, please stop kicking against our seats?"

Taehyung abruptly stops in his part of the duet with Jeongguk and rests his feet on the carpet. "Ah, I'm sorry," Taehyung mumbles. His head hangs a bit and Jimin tries to think of something else to do. The manager is nice to them during the car ride, but his pleading voice still makes the others feel guilty.

Seokjin turns around on the passenger's seat and looks at the people in the backseat. "Hey, the manager didn't say you needed to stop singing." The tone in his voice is pretty neutral, but Jimin sees his face is beaming with positivity. The corners of Seokjin's lips are pressed upwards and he turns around, unashamedly tapping his feet like the rest just did. He seems... excited?

The trio yells happily and Taehyung and Jeongguk continue singing in all pitches they can reach. Jimin looks through the window behind him to see the car that follows them. He spots the person from the staff who offered to drive (Seokjin rather does it but he insisted), that really nice stylist and in the back are Hoseok, Namjoon and Yoongi. They're surrounded by even more backpacks and other luggage than in the maknae line's vehicle. Hoseok and Namjoon are talking animatedly with their arms and even Yoongi looks wide awake.

Jimin sits comfortably again and closes his eyes, enjoying the funny but beautiful singing voices filling his head. He hopes this day will be as fun as the rest keeps telling him it'll be.

 

"What shops do you want to look for? O-or items? I don't think I have enough money for what I want. Taehyung-ah?" Jimin asks through his mask as he tries to keep up with his best friend's pace. 

"I don't know. I don't know this place," Taehyung replies briefly as he continues walking through a sloping alley. 

Jimin knows he asked kind of a silly question, but he finds himself unable to stay quiet and so he rambles on about anything that comes to mind. He pulls his mask for smog down and talks about the weather, the condition of his body, things he hopes for and everything in sight. Sometimes he nags without wanting it, sometimes he's more positive, but at any rate, he keeps going on. It happens [more often](https://youtu.be/G8DMfXkX7zU?t=21m28s). The rest of the group doesn't react a lot and just lets him be as he skips across the tiles.

He spots a cute looking building in the distance at the end of the alley, where it crosses with a more crowded street. The building looks a bit older than the ones next to it, but it's still well maintained. There is a sign above the door, but he can't make out the icon on it. What kind of place would it be? Maybe some strange vintage store. Jimin stares at it for a while and takes a couple of steps in that direction, but then realises he's alone.

"Ah- Oh. Wait for me!" Jimin pleads as the others head into a store. A bit panicky, he fastwalks down the alley, for the tiles underneath his feet are too slippery to run now. It isn't until he catches up with his groupmates and the staff, that he sees shoes displayed in the shopwindow and realises it's a shoe store.

Entering it, he sees the others have already scattered across the interior.

"Hmm, it's mostly sneakers," Jimin mumbles as he looks around.

He didn't intend to speak to someone, but Yoongi still reacts. "Thank fuck there's barely any Converse," he grumbles.

Jimin laughs a bit and plants an arm on his back, asking "Ah, hyung, are you thinking of Namjoon's obsession with it?"

Yoongi only grunts something inaudible, removes Jimin's arm by his elbow, and walks away. But Jimin spots a grin on his face and knows he isn't  _that_  grumpy.

"Hey."

"Waah!!"

Jimin is startled by Hoseok, who greeted him out of the blue. Hoseok, in return, is scared off by the yell and jumps back even further. 

"H- hyung, what, what were you even doing?" he asks giggly.

Arms wrap around Jimin's waist and they rock from side to side, bodies pulled close. "Nothing! Just saying hello," he says with amusement.

A bit embarrassed about his position and afraid of causing a disturbance in the shop, Jimin tries to push the arms around him away. "Ah, Hobi-hyung," he says with a whine. Not wanting to look around, he keeps his head down as he tries to get a hold of Hoseok's wrist.

But then, he sees something shiny spark in the corner of his field of sight. Raising his chin only slightly, he looks up. Normally he would admire any look his best friend takes on, but now... Now he's just anxious.

"Taetae-ah, what..." he says under his breath.

"Oooh, what's going on," he hears the person behind him say and Jimin finally feels himself being freed. He stumbles forward a bit and looks nervously at his groupmates when he stands straight up again. 

The only one not standing straight is Taehyung. He keeps twirling around, jumps up a few centimeters, stretches his legs when sitting and then gets up again. He moves a lot and the others guide him so that he doesn't bump into a shelf or display. His dark grey jeans are rolled up further than they are by default, to make room for a pair of black heels that come up to a little above the ankles. The material looks polished and glossy, so Jimin draws the conclusion that those heels were what caught his eye.

He thinks his friend looks stunning and he would say something nice, if it weren't for Jimin's suffocated feeling. His chest feels too confined. No, his entire upper body feels tense and it sends heat through his limbs. The inner sides of his hands start to perspire. Jimin knows he's overthinking stuff, but he can't help but to worry: Did Taehyung forget they'd look for feminine clothes together? Did Jimin forget to remind him that this would have to be a secret between the to of them? Jimin swears he told him in the end last night. Or do shoes not fall under the category 'clothes'? He knows Taehyung can be carefree or even careless, but he would never break a promise... right?

"Jimin-ssi, are you okay?"

He snaps out of his thoughts. He sure is absent today?

"...Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Ah. Uhmm. I." Jimin is still looking down to avoid eye contact, though he doesn't want to look at the heels either. He's trying his best to not come off as if he's judging his friend, but he might just be doing exactly that.

Taehyung's hand moves a couple of centimeters forward and Jimin takes one in his own. And then quickly the other one. They swing their joint hands a bit, waiting for Jimin to speak up again.

Jimin's hands are still sweaty and he wonders if his bestie thinks it feels gross, but changes his mind when he feels a squeeze and they intertwine their fingers. He always liked how far apart Taehyung's fingers are, because they offer the perfect spots for Jimin's slightly wider fingers. It feels like a sort of home to them, but one that makes your heart beat incredibly fast in a good way, no matter how many times you stay or return.

He sighs again and draws his hand back, solely to wrap them around the taller one's waist and hold them, palms flat, against his back. Taehyung doesn't laugh loudly, but Jimin can tell his open-mouthed smile from the way his cheek moves against Jimin's.

"Taehyung-ah, you didn't forget our promise, did you?"

The person asked almost moves out of the hug, but he halts. He doesn't want to upset his friend. If one of the two is expressing worry, it only rarely is the dancer. "...From yesterday? No, I didn't."

"The-then how did you- Why did you- uh-" Jimin swalllows and looks down at the heels, hoping Taehyung gets the hint. He feels a bit too confused to develop a finished sentence.

Taehyung takes the hint. "Oh, these shoes?" he asks in an amused tone. His feet shuffle a bit as they both observe them. "Jeonggukie gave them to me. I don't why. But. So I tried them on!"

"Ah... Ahahah!" Jimin sounds a bit dumb-founded at first, but then starts laughing. He can't believe he thought bad of the other.

Jimin draws back a bit, but still holds onto his friend. Similar to last night, fingers are slowly running in circles over his back. He would love to stay like this forever, and he imagines Taehyung to feel the same way. But alas, they're in a shop and they need to leave sometime.

They let go of their bodies and express their best grins to each other. "Sorry for doubting you," Jimin apologises while scratching his own arm, somewhat embarrassed. "Hee hee, it's okay. I forgive you. ...Or won't I??" Taehyung says the latter with a fake-sly expression. Jimin gets in the mood for joking along and lets out an equally fake angry roar as he furrows his eyebrows. "Ohhhh you will!!" he says in a deep voice and Taehyung sprints away, heels still on. Jimin follows him hastily.

Jimin manages to corner him by the wall and there he stops chasing him. Which is just in time; Jimin saw the cashier almost head towards them to send them of the store. 

Just as he want to tell Taehyung to take off his ankle boots, he's already sitting down on a stool and pulling down the zipper of his left boot.

"Are the- they damaged now?" a person asks Taehyung quietly.

Taehyung gasps and looks up from under his bangs. "I don't think so, but..." He quickly takes off his other shoe and inspects the pair, holding it close to his face as he looks at it with wide eyes.

"Nope! It's fine. Did you want me to buy them, Jeonggukie?" he asks and he stands up. With a couple of fingers he holds onto the boots, making them dangle.

Jeongguk shakes his head a couple of times. Jimin thinks the youngest feels the need to talk further, but can't.

"Are you going to buy them??" Hoseok chimes in curiously.

Taehyung seems determined and says a definite "No". He walks around the store, trying to find the spot where the boots came from. With a slight tug on Jeongguk's sleeve, he signals him to help. Jeongguk points to an aisle behind the displays in the store and they quickly find an empty space on a shelf and a box nearby on the ground. Jimin and Taehyung lower themselves on their knees and feet, wrapping paper around the footwear and putting it back in the box carefully.

After everything is put away, the group heads outside the store. Seokjin and Namjoon are the first ones to be standing outside and Hoseok leaves last, for he want to practice his 'goodbye's in his best Mandarin to the cashier. Jimin has the feeling they're not as annoyed with the customers as before.

 

"Hey, let's go this way," Seokjin speaks as he points at a warehouse and the rest immediately goes in that direction.

Jimin notices they're now passing the cute building he spotted before, but he doesn't dare to protest. What if he ruins other people's joy? So he just follows Taehyung's example and hops downhill to their destination. Seokjin still walks coolly in the front with Bangtan and the staff behind, like a mother duck would lead the way for her little ducklings.

 

Standing in front of the department store, Jimin swears he can hear something crack when leaning back, trying to look up. This building is huge!

Now that he thinks about it a bit longer, he realises the size of the store is big enough for him and his friend to shop at the women's department without being confronted by their manager, stylist or friends.

He decides to tell Taehyung this. After stepping inside the building and making sure it's crowded enough to not be overheard, Jimin whispers his plan into his friend's ear. "Oh?" Taehyung speaks softly and puts his own hand beside their faces, mirroring Jimin's hand next to his mouth and barricading their conversation from the public. "In this store?" Jimin nods.

The taller one of the pair chuckles in his distinctive low pitch. "Okay, let's go."

They quickly inform the nearest people they see (Hoseok and Namjoon) they'll split from the group. Aside from Hoseok's response ("What? Why, why? Where are you going?") there isn't much resistance to that, and they wander off. There's only food stalls and accessories in the ground floor anyway.

Though it's very crowded, the two aren't worried about losing each other due to it. Jimin suggests they look for a floor plan to get an overview of what stores the warehouse has to offer. They find one, but most of the brands are unreadable or unknown to them. Taehyung opts they just explore the different departments blindly. Jimin doesn't have a better idea and so he just goes with it. They head up the escalators.

On the first floor they see mostly lingerie and sleepwear. They agree that they don't want to look for anything here, so they go up higher. Jimin is scared the cut up sleeves of Taehyung's white sweater will get stuck on the guardrail, but he seems to be doing fine.

On the second floor there's the women's department. Jimin brightens up at that realisation. Looking over his shoulder, Jimin sees his friend get off the escalator and return Jimin's smile.

With his hand protectively on the other singer's back, Jimin makes them both move to make room for people on the escalator.

"Hey, that looks nice!" Taehyung speaks his mind.

He's pointing at a certain clothing rack and Jimin's eyes try to detect the item is being referred to. They head over to the rack.

Jimin pulls at the fabric of something hanging on it. It seems like a skirt. "Hey, did you mean thi..." he starts, but Taehyung already walks past him to retreive something else from the collection.

"Nop, this!"

Taehyung holds up a knitted sweater. Its colour is a light shade of yellow and when Jimin reaches out to touch it, it feels a lot softer than he thought it would be.

Jimin smiles widely and ponders "Huh, you want to fit this one?"

"Yes!" he says with a grin.

Taehyung's attention goes from the sweater to another garment and Jimin catches this occurance, because he himself is very familiar with it. "Woah, there," Jimin mumbles. The sweater slides off of the younger's arm and Jimin's hands are quick to scoop up the item. After draping it over his lower arm, he sees his friend is already sliding his hands in between different kinds of tops.

"Jiminie, what do you think of this?" he calls him.

Said person curiously takes a glance at the clothes in front of Taehyung and hurries over to him. "Think of what...?" Jimin starts.

The singer turns around, holding a sleeveless white top on a hanger in front of himself. He grins and presses it to Jimin's chest, displaying how it would look on him. Jimin smiles and takes the hanger in his hands. He looks around for a mirror and when he stands in front of it, he throws his head back, roaring with laughter. "Tae-ah, this-- ahahah, oh my god," he says breathlessly. Taehyung is affected by the mood right away. He closes his eyes and ducks, laughing without a sound. Jimin's knees are wobbly from the good tension in his body and he steps back a bit, trying to find his balance.

"This... How did- did you think I could ever fit in it?" the smaller one asks, clutching onto the hanger and sweater he almost dropped. He knew the top was tiny and short, but seeing it in front of him, he realised just how big the difference in size was. Only then he noticed the lable that said "XXS" and a tag with a price in yuan that even Jimin recognised as overpriced and of course he had to laugh.

Rubbing away a tear at the corner of his eye, he notices Taehyung didn't answer. He probably didn't process his words, so Jimin will try again.

"You weren't serious, right?" Jimin asks with raised eyebrows as he puts the clothes hanger back where (he thinks) it belongs. 

"Ah, uh..." Taehyung thinks for a bit, smile still resting on his face and hands resting too on his hips. "Not really, but maybe you'd like it in your size."

Jimin has to look at the other ones in the rack to answer that truthfully. "Maybe..." The thought of wearing a croptop does excite him, but that's not the problem. He licks his lips nervously, looking down at the sweater around his arm. Should he try on a different sized one maybe? But then he remembers the price he saw and the thought disappears like smoke.

"Uhm, I think these are all too expensive," he finally says softly. Jimin's eyes shoot from the far left to the right corner of his range of sight, checking if no employees were around to listen.

"What about my sweater?" Taehyung asks worriedly.

The sad tone in his voice is audible so Jimin quickly holds up the yellow sweater closer, checking the price tag. "The price is two hund... oh, it's on sale. It's fine."

They both sigh at that and decide to look further. As long as they stay on the same floor, it should be fine to have items with you even though you walk through different stores. They figure this out by looking at the other customers.

Besides the knitted sweater, they also add two skirts, two skinny jeans (same kind but different sizes), a skort and eventually three tops to their 'to try-on' collection. One of the latter is a croptop with sleeves, one is a croptop with none, and one is longer but sleeveless. They're from a different brand from the first ones, and on sale because it's practically fall season now.

"Do you think we have too many?" Taehyung asks, referring to the items in their hands and on top of their arms.

Jimin shrugs. "I don't know. Let's go look for a fitting room first."

That's easier said than done. They walk past the walls for nearly 10 minutes before Taehyung spots a sign with an icon and an arrow, that they both probably passed by in the beginning.

"Let's go," Taehyung says excitedly to the person behind him. Inwarding and biting his lips, Jimin follows. He didn't necessarily care about the other customers at first because hey, those might as well assume the two are buying clothes for their girlfriends. But now, now they're actually standing in front of the dressing room, he can't come up with any possible reasonings people can make.

He doesn't mean to look at others at the moment, yet his eyes are restless and he happens to lock eyes with a couple of ladies nearby. Their gazes are somewhere between repelled and puzzled, but it's not ambiguous enough for Jimin to understand that what he does isn't accepted. His stomach feels like it's twisted into a giant knot and he quickly nudges Taehyung in his back, hoping entering a new room would change the atmosphere.

It does, for a bit. The dressing room is, apart from a few taken cabines, pretty desolate. Before Jimin can voice a question for the employee in the room, she's already looked at the duo's items. She nods and points at a sign with lots of text, on which Jimin can only decipher "please" and "6".

"I think this is allowed," Taehyung says and Jimin says something similar. They walk through the hallway-like space until the very back. They agree this is the best place to stay if they don't want to be recognised or worse, verbally harrassed. Jimin never thought he would feel this self-conscious in public, even with his friend with him.

Taehyung seems less bothered and steps in a booth, assigning his friend to the other one. Jimin gets in, drops his near-empty backpack, hangs up the clothes and closes the curtains.

Why is it always especially hot in fitting rooms? Jimin's hands are clammy and he's worried his friend has the same issue. What if they both sweat all over these clothes? You can't just do that if you plan on returning them.

He decides to get changed already. It wouldn't be nice of him to spend 45 minutes in a changing room in temperatures like these, and leave his friend waiting. Though he must admit Taehyung can be bad at making fast choices from time to time as well.

To start off, he tries to pick an item that he wants to try on first. After re-arranging and colour coding everything for a couple of panicky minutes, he's only more lost. Sighing, Jimin gives up and decides to just get undressed first.

He takes off his boots and scrunches his nose at the smell. Gross! Maybe he shouldn't wear his boots for the winter at this time of the year. Stripping out of his pants, he wonders if one of those skinnyjeans will actually fit him. He picks the one that's smaller and finds out when they're stuck right above his knees that it was a bad idea. "Hhhhrrngh," he grunts as he tries to pull the jeans up further by the waist. 

"You okay?" can be heard from the booth next to his.

"Yeah, I'm-" He stumbles forward and bumps his head against the mirror. "No," Jimin says in pain and they both laugh.

Wasn't this supposed to be a stretchy fabric? It's almost immovable and Jimin has a hard time trying to roll the legs of the jeans down. And wasn't this supposed to be his size? Once the pants are at his feet, he kicks them off and reaches for the other pair.

Oh, but this...? This one fits nicely. Pulling it up, he thinks the size is comparable to his own jeans. It's a bit small around his thighs and butt, but he'll probably always have this issue with such pants. He looks at the fabric closely and loves how pleasant the light dusty blue is to his eyes. Twisting his hips to get a good view, he admires in the mirrors on the wall how beautifully the pockets at the back emphasise his behind. Jimin strokes his own chest in pride, perhaps with some embarrassment, and he remembers to try on a top.

With underarms still caught in his black tee, he stops undressing. His reflection makes him feel... strange? There is not exactly discomfort but there is something that startles him. He feels confronted and he has to think deeply to find the reason.

That's right, this morning! This morning he realised something and while he was aware of it the entire time, the pressure to think about it wasn't as big as in this moment. He takes off his shirt hestitantly. Should he tell Taehyung?

When he puts on the croptop with short sleeves though, that pressure is non-existent. Jimin's hands slide over the fabric. "Ohh!" he says. He can feel it's made of cotton and mixed materials, but moreover it feels incredibly soft under his palms.

"Jiminie, are you really okay?" Taehyung asks through the wooden board that seperates them.

He giggles. "Yeah, I'm okay." Jimin can actually hear the content in his own voice.

"Are you dressed?"

That question surprises Jimin a bit. "Yes?"

"Can I go to you?"

"Uhm..." Jimin frowns. He can't think of any reason to say no. "Sure."

He expects his friend to come in, but still jumps up a bit when the hooks of his curtain rattel against the iron bar they hang on.

Taehyung's eyes widen at seeing Jimin's outfit, and finally his expression softens. "You look very you!"

Jimin can't get the grin off his face and he pulls his bestie closer, taking his appearance in and stroking his neck. He's wearing the cream coloured sweater from before and below is a pleated white skirt. The collar of the knitted sweater has one part overlapping the other at the middle and it allows the wearer to leave it as it is or pull one side down, so a bit of shoulder is revealed. Taehyung probably didn't even meant to do the latter, but it's pulled down like that anyway and Jimin thinks it suits the other. He never really understood what "a beautiful neck" or "nice shoulders" actually means, until he met Taehyung. The way his sweater is pulled down and the airiness of the skirt makes perfect sense for someone like Taehyung: he loves clothes that you can move freely in.

"You look very 'V' too." 

Taehyung chuckles and takes off his cap to pull his hair back more. Like someone would subconsciously copy a yawn, Jimin is affected and wants to have the same happen to himself. He tilts his head down and Taehyung understands, running his hand through brown strands of hair.

"Hey, Taetae-ah?" the dancer asks softly, still being petted.

Taehyung hums and somehow he makes it sound like a question.

"What if... Let's say- just- hypothetically- What if I'm a girl? What would you do?"

Jimin feels the hand nearly pull away from his head but then it starts playing with the hair again.

"And you still have this personality you mean?"

He swallows. "Uh. Yes. I guess so." Jimin didn't think about that.

It takes a while for the taller one to say something. When he does, Jimin's stomach feels as if it's twisting, like just before. But this time he doesn't mind as much.

"I think I would ask you to be my girlfriend."

Jimin can't respond to that. He looks at the ground, flustered. "Then..." Then what? Then Jimin's best friend should just ask it already? But he's not even sure if he really would want to be in a relationship with his friend. Not that kind of relationship. He's not too sure about anything now to organise his thoughts and transform them into words. His head feels too full to finish his sentence.

"Jimin-ah?" Taehyung's hand retreats and Jimin would love to cling onto it now because he's dizzy. Standing up straight, he feels his brains pound in his skull and his cheeks are on fire.

"I've told you this before. Did you forget?" Taehyung asks, worry in his voice.

He shakes his head rapidly. "N-no. I just didn't expect your answer."

The look on the taller one's face is calm again and so is Jimin's. He suddenly forgets what he was upset about to begin with. The whole relationship thing, maybe? Or is it more the gender related question, 'what if he was a girl'? It feels silly to think about it when he doesn't even comprehend why he's having these thoughts.

"Have you tried on those other tops yet?"

"No. Did you wear those other skirts?"

Taehyung grins as he goes through the garments that hang up in Jimin's booth. "No! Not yet."

Tracing the outlines of the abs on his stomach, Jimin wonders if this doesn't look weird with the low waist skinnys and a sportsy croptop. When he asks about it, Taehyung beams with positivity and replies with a loud "No way, you look gorgeous!!" Jimin blushes again, laughs and hushes him. The scenario of getting kicked out of a store still lingers on the dancer's mind.

"And what about me??" Taehyung asks as he takes a step back.

Jimin mentally slaps himself for not asking about the other, but puts his guilt aside for a moment. "Can you spin around?"

As if waiting for that request, Taehyung takes off his cap and twirls around, making his hair get pulled into a swirl by his movement. His skirt floats up and his Iron Man boxers peek out a bit. Jimin doesn't care about that really and doesn't comment on it. With arms kept wide - for as far as he's able to in the tiny dressing booth - Taehyung spins and spins, mouth opening and closing again to hold in his happy screams. Jimin is amused and smiling widely. In fact, he loves this so much that he just decides to capture the moment with his phone.

Once his stomach feels all fluttery and his head like a whirlpool, Taehyung decides to stop twirling. Slumping down on a stool in the corner, he tries to catch his breath. When he looks at Jimin, he's surprised to see he's already taking off a tanktop that Taehyung didn't see on his body before. It's drapey and has a floral print on it.

"Too small?"

"No, it's perfect."

"Oh, really?"

"Uh-huh," Jimin mumbles as he pulls another top over his head. "Ohh, they're all nice!" he says, staring at his reflection in the biggest mirror.

"Aren't you a pervert for showing your body off so much?"

Jimin fake-punches him for that remark. "Hey, I saw your underwear, you know!"

Taehyung yelps. "Where?!"

"On your butt, dummy!"

"That's- that's not what I...?" Taehyung quickly gets up and frowns.

Noticing his friend is actually frustrated (Jimin probably misunderstood the question to begin with), he puffs out his chest and talks in a low voice. That will always cheer his friend up.

"I'm not really angry," he says in the lowest pitch he can bring out. Taehyung doesn't seem completely convinced still and Jimin rubs his chest against him affectionally. It works. They're both a giggling mess.

After their laughter has died out, they discuss things for a couple of minutes. Jimin says he wants to buy everything except the jeans that are too tight. Taehyung hasn't tried on everything so he has yet to decide. Jimin tells him to just go to his own booth where his stuff is and try the rest on anyway. They both don't want any bad bargains.

When left alone in his own dressing booth, Jimin has some time to think. It feels as if he's in there for ages. His mind goes through thoughts about his... their own identity for what seems like centuries, and then another few decades are spent on thinking about their feelings towards (for?) others. In reality it's only 6 minutes though, as they know by looking on their watch. Jimin and Taehyung have no sense of time and thus they are the ones in the group who are seen wearing watches. Jimin is training themself to actually use the watch frequently too.

The curtain beside Jimin's open. 

"And?"

"I'm only buying the sweater and skirt. The other skirt is too tight to move around in and I already have a skort."

Jimin nods and gestures for their friend to come closer as they drape clothes over their own arms.

Taehyung leans over them, whispering "What is it?" curiously.

"I've been thinking," the smaller one says as they stand on their toes.

The taller one has no idea what to expect and lowers his face, allowing the other to whisper in his ear. They do and it tingles in Taehyung's ear, making him giggle. Jimin continues talking in a low volume. Then the other falls silent.

When the confession is over, they both draw their heads back.

"Not a boy...?" Taehyung asks.

Jimin just let all their worries, and simultaneously, all their courage out in one monologue. They don't have the mental capability to talk further so they just nod.

"Right now, you mean?"

They nod again. They trust Taehyung with all their heart so of course they had to tell this right away, but the nervosity stays during every second of silence.

Taehyung scratches his head shortly and grunts in frustration. "Aghh... I don't really get it, I'm sorry."

Jimin licks their dry lips and looks down, not knowing what to do. They're not extremely upset per se; ratherly just... horribly confused by the situation. At least they found their voice again in the mean time and admit "I don't get it either, really."

Showing a little smile, Taehyung takes a step forward and wraps the other in a hug. Hugs with him are the best really, and Jimin feels the last remaints of stress they have leave their body.

"We'll figure out what's going on, okay? I'm sure we can find information on this through Naver or something. Just know that I love you."

Jimin nods above the other's shoulder and nuzzles their head against it. It'd be nice to use arms in a hug, but they both are wrapped in items so limbs can't touch torsos right now. Still, the embrace feels nice as ever. "Thank you. Love you too."

After a few deep breaths, the two release from the hug. They walk through the dressing room, hand the items they won't keep to the employee, pay for their purchases and leave the store. Taehyung looks at his watch. It's 3 o' clock by now and they still haven't had lunch.

Just as the 95 duo heads down the escalator and Jimin tries to call someone, Taehyung sees Seokjin and Jeongguk on the storey below. Wait, wasn't that...? Perhaps there were more than two people in the group who wanted to go to a different department today.

"Jinnie-hyung, Jeonggukie!" Taehyung yells as he takes big steps on the escalator, rushing towards said people. Meeting up with the eldest and youngest members, Jimin tries to read Seokjin's face to know what he's up to but it's useless. Who knows what he thinks behind that pokerface? Jeongguk looks completely the opposite; as though he is full of secrets and just barely keeping those to himself. His lips are pressed inward and his eyes look to the side. Jimin knows the younger one isn't comfortable with talking and as this is supposed to be a fun day, they decide to not pry.

On their way down to the ground floor, Seokjin nags about the three "youngsters" he's surrounded by. The nagging stops however when the smell of warm food fills his nostrils and a second or maybe three later, Jimin smells it too. Nearby the entrance they meet up with the others and they head out to go eat. Jimin has to switch from thinking about personal issues to thinking about Bangtan as a whole again. It feels strange. Did they ever not think about their group for a couple of hours on a row before?

 

In the end the group never goes into the adorable looking building Jimin saw (that turned out to be a hipster-y coffee shop). They all do however get to eat lots of local dishes at the market, buy souvenirs for back at the dorm or even for their parents and take some beautiful pictures of scenery and eachother.

 

Then it's almost evening and they get back in the cars. Jimin mumbles some words in gratitude to Taehyung and before they know it, they fall asleep, head resting against Jeongguk's side.

 

 

 

________________________________________________

 

In regards to the members' genders and disorders, I made a headcanon [post](https://40.media.tumblr.com/f15e60ae944d5abebf4f02043846abe0/tumblr_nqajugPqTH1qjn9lqo1_1280.png) a while ago, but I alter it from time to time so it's not 100% my headcanons anymore. Also the word is polya, not poly, sory for that. It's still a useful sheeti f you want to understand their thought progress better though, since the majority is written as neurodivergent.

Bonus doodles: [1](https://41.media.tumblr.com/cc8bdcaff97cf16d9e83e4f80bce6713/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo1_250.png) [2](https://40.media.tumblr.com/ecb3a29f6054266b3c2339a4bcdab2fd/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo2_250.png) [3](https://41.media.tumblr.com/897d6ae4c0b91784070eb8840421a18c/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo3_250.png) [4](https://41.media.tumblr.com/7ab8e02c761a7b8cf7842f50d234f48f/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo4_250.png) [5](https://41.media.tumblr.com/5386f39442ce977bb00de69967cc5355/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo5_250.png) [6](https://41.media.tumblr.com/8ba1313683ce84964dd268ec9f2c9f77/tumblr_nq781wJHhm1qjn9lqo6_250.png)

These doodles were made before writing and aren't 100% how I imagine the clothes to look, but it gives an impression!

 

 


	4. Day 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long!! It's still un-beta'd but I'll post it to add pressure on myself to correct mistakes.

The next day goes by in a daze.

Barely conscious, Jimin drags themself out of bed, shuffles their way to the bathroom, brushes teeth, washes up, gets dressed in a comfortable but good looking outfit and finds the others awake in the bedroom too.

"Morning", the leader yawns. Hoseok mumbles something as he gets up. Both his and Namjoon's hair is an absolute mess, but not more than on the usual mornings.

Once everything's packed, Jimin remembers their contacts - where are those? Oh right, in the suitcase. Not wanting to go through the bother of spitting through dozens of garments for a tiny lens case, they choose to zip open their backpack for a pair of glasses instead. That works too. Everyone should leave soon and it's incredible how in the end no one leaves an item behind in a hurry.

 

Some whispery chats and much louder noises of little suitcase wheels rolling on the concrete floor are the main things the group hears, until they pass around a corner. The little rolling and chattering noises are overpowered by a couple of screaming voices. Then the clicks of cameras and phones. And the friction of arms gently but sternly pushing away smaller arms. It's a bit chaotic but Jimin expected it and is prepared, so they send smiles and wave cutely at the fans. They see some funny fanmade signs and giggle until they're shoved through a detection gate, unable to look behind them.

Jimin would say it's much more relaxed to walk at this point because there are no fans around, but Jimin knows that's only partially true. Excitement and fear settles in, because they're about to head back to their home country, where they'd be followed around by phones and cameras again and the ever busy schedules would continue right away.

When finally nearing the end of the tunnel leading to the airplane, Jimin cheerily greets the stewardess by the door, but pulls a sour face when taking a step further. It's hot and suffocating. Looking to their left, they see Taehyung, who shows no sign of discomfort whatsoever. Jimin always figured he felt temperatures a lot less than themself.

Speaking of Taehyung, Jimin re-envisions memories of last night every time they see him. Especially in this moment, now the maknae line has claimed seats in the same row.

The three bicker a bit on who gets to sit where: by the window is useful if you need to look outside to not feel sick, but by the hallway is the best in case of going to the loo, and in the middle is the cosiest... But then again all seats have their disadvantages. Several insults like "not next to me, you stink" and "go away, I don't like you" are thrown at each other before Seokjin scolds them. They all sit down on whichever chair is closest to their legs, like sad puppies with tails between said limbs.

Anxiety is definitely not gone now. Taehyung's right arm presses against theirs and with it comes the pressure to talk about the day before. They really can't talk here though. There's too many people.

The two youngest put in their earphones and Jimin follows, putting music on shuffle. Jimin decided this was a good moment to go through their memory of yesterday evening, when they had the Naver app open on their phone and ran to Taehyung for advice.

 

"What do I type in?!!", Jimin asked in panick, landing on Taehyung's bed. It was just past 1 AM, which is relatively early. Not that the group did nothing; they still composed and wrote little bits on whatever devices were available and brainstormed what to do for fans at the next events.

"What? Where, where? Let me see," Taehyung draped an arm over Jimin as always. Perhaps they really should have picked the hotel rooms differently.

"In the search bar, where y... It's for what we talked about today. In the fitting room, remember?"

Taehyung nodded. "Of course I remember. Do you want to look for articles or images or, or what?"

His friend shrugged. "Anything. But I don't know what words to use."

As if the brainstorm session about singings and concerts wasn't enough, they had to grind their gears to come up with key words too. "Uhmm." Jimin's index finger taps in the air, right above the text bar on the screen.

"Alright, how would you describe the things that you told me?", Taehyung asks, sounding upfront. His wording misses bits and pieces, but his friend knows by now how to mentally rearrange or fill in words in Taehyung's sentences.

"Uhm, I guess..." Jimin blushes at their thoughts. "Gender... something? 'Help I am not a boy but I should be'? Taehyung-ah, should I look for quizzes or something??" Jimin whines helplessly at the last sentence, nearly dropping their phone. Taehyung comforts them, takes over the phone and typed in some words.

"Why aren't you using a laptop anyway, now we need to switch...", Taehyung complained with a mumble and a frown.

Jimin has a reason in defense ready and answers "Do others ever look at the internet history on my phone?" His friend has to give him that one.

A rather curious Jimin gets the phone handed back and looks at the page. 'Gender issues' is apparently what was typed in. Recommended search words might've played part in it too though, but that's irrelevant. "Let's start here...", Jimin mumbled, clicking on the button saying 'articles'. Not knowing what are good sources and what aren't, they clicked on the top search result.

It was an article on gender roles, apparently. Jimin read half of it through before their attention faltered them and so they handed the phone over to Taehyung, who couldn't properly read along. 

"But... most of this isn't new...?" he said, giving back the device.

Jimin agreed: "Some words were new to me, but even I know that many things... expectations are stereotypes."

Sighing, they clicked on the next article. "But whatev-- Oh?"

"What, what is it??" Taehyung peeks curiously over Jimin's shoulder and drapes an arm around it. Jimin doesn't plan on letting go of his phone, but is nice enough to scroll down slowly so Taehyung can keep up.

His eyes skimmed through the text and headed up to meet Jimin's similarly shocked stare. 

"Do you think this could be...", Jimin started.

"You?", their friend finished.

Jimin didn't dare to affirm and swallowed. They looked down again, their gaze stuck on a word in the first paragraph.

"I, I think this..." They felt a familiar discomfort swell in their chest and instinctively rubbed their hand over it, which relieved some anxiety but not near enough. "This hits pretty close to home?"

Taehyung ran his hand over the shoulder underneath he held, conforming his friend and simulatenously earning himself some time to think. "Are you dissatisfied with that?", he eventually asked.

Biting their underlip, Jimin lightly shook their head. "No. I'm just shocked. I heard about it before and uhm, I think I had a grasp of what 'transgender' meant but never thought that... it could apply to me??"

As he was just as dumbfounded as the other, Taehyung held his lips pursed till he knew what to say. "We'll always keep finding out new things about ourselves. It's not that weird," he said wisely. Jimin secretly favored that directness over Namjoon's philosophisal gibberish. ...Not that they'd ever say that out loud.

Jimin brought the phone closer to his friend once more. "But hey, did you also read that line mentioning there's also people who are neither boys nor gi--"

A door suddenly cracked open and Yoongi appeared from behind it, sending Jimin off to go sleep in their own hotel room. The 95 liners sent each other disappointed glances (of course they both wanted to keep talking!!), but there was nothing to do about it. Maybe they could choose their own roommates next time.

From that point on, nothing that Jimin found particularly interesting happened.

 

Sound of textile moving over textile is audible on the left. Jimin slowly opens their eyes and is happy to see their best friend still right here, right beside them, as if yesterday night's conversation happened a mere second ago. But he's not as close as he could be and so Jimin inches their head closer. Funny, Taehyung does the same. Taehyung takes a quick glace at the maknae and Jimin twists his head to the right, smiling. Jeongguk has his palms on his lap and is definitely asleep. Jimin is about to take a look at the other members, but remains in position when Taehyung whispers "They're all asleep. Look." But Jimin doesn't want to look, for their eyes are already shut. So they listen. One or two people can be heard snoring (Jimin can pinpoint Namjoon) and they can hear no other noises coming from them. 

"Jiminie, ab- about yesterday-" Taehyung leans further to the right. The arm rest is pressing against his lower waist but it's not too bad.

"Hm?"

"I've been thinking about it until I fell asleep, and when I got up too, and I... I actually don't really know what it means to be a boy. On a personal level, I mean."

Jimin's eyes open up for a milisecond at those words and they sort of gasp, sort of hold it back by swallowing. Taehyung doesn't catch that moment.

Thinking his friend fell back to sleep, he frowns and turns his head. And turns it again when feeling a small hand take his, squeezing it lightly. 'Relief' washed over them both and for a moment, their mutual support was all they needed. They spent the rest of the flight napping.


	5. Day 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a title that has the chapter number in it too :^)

It was to be expected: things can't stay a secret for long. Not when everyone is so close and moreover, nosy.

What wasn't expected though, was who would be the one to be involved. Contrary to suspision, it wasn't Hoseok, who shared a room with Jimin and Taehyung. It also wasn't Jeongguk, who is more than often seen around the two.

The chances of it being a different member is about equally small for each name, which actually has no value as one of those people turns out to be the next one to know.

Not that any of it matters. Of all people, Jimin wouldn't have it be someone else. After all, Yoongi has his own secrets too.

 

"Hey," a voice softly calls out from the bed room door. The greeting sounds a bit like a grunt, and even though Jimin isn't fully awake in the moment, they can distinguish voices of other members at any time.

"Yoongi-hyung?", Jimin whispers, putting down their phone and pushing themself up to take a look at the guest. They can make out the little nod from the smaller person, who shuts the door and out of habit starts to climb up the bunk bed. Jimin would warn him to watch out not to make the ladder squeek too much and wake up the others, but at this distance it'd only mean talking loudly. So they wait for a bit, until Yoongi crawls under the duvet and lies close enough to be spoken to comfortably.

It's a bit uncomfortable with the phone still in hand, but Jimin can't just lay in by their side and fall asleep like this when there's suddenly less space. "What were you doing on your phone so late?", Yoongi asks, lifting his head a bit, when he notices the other is still obviously struggling with where to put the item they're holding. This caughts Jimin off-guard, more than they would like to show. "Ah, this, I..." You can't just admit you were reading up on different experiences of gender, right? Probably not. No, definitely not. "I couldn't sleep," they decide to answer, which is true also.

The answer suffices from what it seems, as Yoongi nods minimally again - whispering a soft "me too" - and rests his head on Jimin's chest. Not back on the other side of the pillow. Oh. Would he hear or feel their rapid heartbeating? Would he find out Jimin is holding something back?

Who truly knows but Yoongi himself? 

"Seriously, when are you gonna wear something more to bed," Yoongi jokingly comments on the attire that is nothing but boxer shorts, and Jimin giggles along. They can't think of a good comeback. Without realising it, their free hand is running through the locks in the hair of the elder, who on his part is slowly moving his hand up Jimin's stomach, to eventually let it rest there, palm held flat and facing down. This is comfortable. I like this, Jimin thinks.

Before they know it, those words travel beyond their lips, float in the air and leave Yoongi with new thoughts.

"Are you really that comfortable around me?", Yoongi asks, perhaps not too seriously, with a cheeky grin on his face that the other can't fully see in the late night, but also with a snort that Jimin _can_ hear.

The question halts Jimin in the middle of wherever they were, drops them off at the point where they started. Back at square one. Is Jimin really that comfortable around him? Can they share as much with the other as they'd like to? Pretend to? 

"Jiminie?" Yoongi can probably feel the chest underneath him rise more than before, lungs trying to take in more air, to calm down, to send some oxygen to this body that's running short of it fast.

The screen of the singer's phone screen is dark, but the little lamp at the upper right corner of the device is still fading from on to off and back. It makes Jimin think of what they read on the phone, and they wonder if they should leave it only there; in text, as thoughts. But then again... it's probably best to not be so mysterious to Yoongi. Jimin already knows some things about him, so it's only fair to have it go both ways right?

"Hey, Ji-"

"Hyung, you know what it's like to keep secrets, right? Uhm."

There's no answer to that spoken out, but Jimin knows anyway. They continue: "And secrets... I think- I'm not sure if I can be comfortable confessing them to you."

A small gasp, or maybe just an inhale, is heard from above their chest before they feel a puff of breath on their skin. From what they can feel, Yoongi raises his head from the chest again. "Do you think you could try?"

Jimin gulps at that. Can they? 'Maybe' is what they want to answer, but before they have sorted it out, they've already left Yoongi with a "yeah..." No turning back now. They bite their lip, holding any wrong words in for a little longer.

"Okay, so I've thought about this last week, and maybe before that too- and I've even consulted Taehyung-ah for help, and the internet, but even without that I'm sure of it, you know? And, and, and. Do you still follow me?"

Yoongi snorts, and places his head down back on the pillow, giving the other a bit more space. To think, to be. "No, you're rambling. What are you trying to tell me here?"

"..."

How do you even say this? Jimin has to gulp, and maybe once more to be sure.

Their hand traces over Yoongi's skinny arm, up his shoulder and stops there, to drop down again. Would he move back if Jimin told him? ...But neither did the singer do that when the other confessed his secrets last time. It should be fine. "What I'm trying to say is... I might not be- I've discovered... that I'm not a boy."

The room is covered in dark gray, but the younger notices the shine of Yoongi's eyelashes, as he blinks a bit. 

How silly of me to be worried, will be Jimin's opinion later on. "So... you're a bit like me?", Yoongi responds, the tone in his voice hopeful.

Jimin would've felt relieved by hearing those words, if it weren't for the confusion keeping them cautious. "Like you...? But I thought... Sorry, I thought you were a boy."

Apparently he's not, Jimin concludes from the soft laugh he's met with. "No, no, I never said that. Just- Anything but a girl."

Embarrassment settles in and the singer can feel their cheeks flare up. "Ah... sorry..." They're extremely grateful Yoongi wasn't lying on their chest anymore because if not, he surely would've felt Jimin shiver. How could they have drawn that conclusion? Why did they do that?

Something must've still given away how lost Jimin feels, as they're pulled flush against the other's body and shooshed. Oh no, did I sputter, Jimin suddenly remembers. They must have.

"It's okay. Maybe I should've clarified. Just call me 'hyung' and it's all good. Or... Shit, sorry."

"Huh?"

"I never asked... does this mean you're a girl? Or something else?"

Jimin looks over Yoongi's head at their phone, of which the lamp is still switching from darkness to light blue. Do they know the answer to that? Do articles know? Should the answer even be that clear to begin with? Jimin feels like it has to be; as if they're only exploring a tiny piece of this vast land of identity. There's only so much that they know.

"Would it be weird..." They bite their lip, softly, but hard enough to feel the presence of their lower teeth when the soft flesh slides across it. They continue: "...if I said both? I feel like 'neither' describes me well, but then I think of female words and stuff and go 'oh, that's me!'. Does that make sense?"

Being physically so close to another really makes you feel everything, now Jimin's entire upper body vibrates because of Yoongi's chuckle. "It does, don't worry. I mostly asked so that I could let you know it's totally okay to call me, you know, 'oppa' sometime. If you want to."

The heat in Jimin's cheeks reappears, shoots all the way up to their ears even. They hadn't thought of going that far yet. They hadn't even thought of telling anyone else, never mind change their language. "Oh. I think. I'd like that."

Another chuckle, with a slight shrug of some sort, shakes their body again. Happiness seeps into Jimin's body and spreads all the way down to their toes, that curl in excitement. What is this feeling? Relief? It seems different from that. The air in the room is different. _Everything_ is different, but in the best ways, as if life was meant to have this mysterious, inviting atmosphere surrounding it. But it feels weird to make everything revolve around yourself.

"Yoongi-hyu... Sorry, I need to get used to this, uhm. Did you want to talk about some things too? About sex? I mean, as in your sex?" The last part is added hurriedly, before the younger might make a fool of themself.

"What's there to talk about? Nothing new going on here."

"Oh." He's right. Surely nothing new must've happened, besides the incidents where people assume the wrong things about Yoongi's body, or say something that makes his leg complex worse.

Legs, of which one brushes lightly against one of Jimin's and the ticklish feel of body hair makes them smile against the other's shirt. Jimin honestly can't imagine how people could mistreat Yoongi for his body.

They remember when Yoongi told them. They remember too well how the group was at a fansign, holding hands with fans, playing around with each other and whispering jokes. One thing that was whispered though... It was meant for Yoongi's ears, but also picked up by Jimin. It could've been passed off as another dirty joke from Hoseok, but something in the way the other rapper stiffened and didn't react made Jimin know something was up. They ran a hand over Yoongi's back, that relaxed under the touch.

Jimin remembers how the earlier moments started to make sense, when they were in the recording studio with the elder, when he suddenly asked Jimin to sit down, and sit through his story. Yoongi confessed his worries, and with it, a part of his identity. That's when Jimin learned the word 'intersex', and what it meant. They learned how Yoongi was raised as a girl, and how he was sure that's not him ever since a young age. They remember the stories that Yoongi told about how he, after years of doing chores and being nice, convinced his parents to send him to an all-boys school. And how he managed to survive in that climate because he was a well respected basketball player, thus got his privacy in the changing room (Jimin had and still has the feeling there's more Yoongi didn't want to tell yet about his school time, but that's up to him to share). Jimin also learned that _no_ , Yoongi isn't "a girl from the waist down" or "boy from up here", even if the other never had those words in their mouth. Jimin learned on their own that Yoongi had heard these questions and remarks a lot, or simply too often, in his life.

They just sat there, listening, nodding, trying to process this new information, trying to not open their mouth and say something rude. Jimin does sadly remember their eyes drifting off to Yoongi's crotch, maybe unintentionally (god, they hope it was), and Yoongi responding dryly with a "What, you wanna see?". Jimin remembers going red, sputtering a "no", and apologising so many times it probably got annoying. It was all okay though; the elder thanked them, asked to keep it a secret and accepted the hug he was offered.

That was over a year ago.

Jimin and Yoongi's bond has changed a lot over that year: it became stronger, thighter. But how much did Jimin change? How much did they reflect on things? They learned all these things from the other, but only recently started to think about it again. Had they stood still for so long?

"Hey, hey... Jiminie, what's wrong?"

Did they sound that upset? There are no tears on Jimin's face, so they wonder how Yoongi guessed they were worried. Maybe some things were accidently mumbled...

"I think you should just go to sleep. You seem done for the day."

"O-okay, yeah...", Jimin replies softly. They cuddle even closer for as far as it's possible, swinging a leg around the other's while they're at it. They'll talk about this later again. But this time, it won't take another year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how long it's been since I updated this story @__@ Pls comment if you still read it I guess lol


	6. Day 7.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another person gets involved. This time it's Hoseok.

It makes them dizzy, almost, how big the difference is. How Jimin's mindset will go from being indulged in everything good, comforting, reassuring, just really feeling themself... to chasing after plans and deadlines, trying to meet standards they can barely reach, keeping a front up, and whatnot. They wonder how Taehyung does it. Didn't he too say he's not a boy? How does he keep up with it? Is it his acting skills, or does he simply care less? Jimin would love to know how to make that 'switch' from male idol to a kid who wants to feel like any ordinary human, and is not male either actually. Maybe it's their friend's stage name that helps, they figure.

Unbelievable how it takes merely another two days of idol related duties before they're through with it. Their firm knees are bruised and wobbly from all the dancing, their face is sweaty and shiny (hair luckily isn't, so they can still run a hand though it, thank gosh) and their heels seem to leviate a bit, the ghost feeling of soles tricking them, sneakers being kicked off long ago. All Jimin wants to do is go into their new room, flop down on Hoseok or Taehyung's bed as climbing the bunk bed is too much of a struggle, and sleep until the next schedules start.

And that's exactly what they're about to do, except...

"Taehyung-ah, what... are you doing?"

"Hm?" Their friend looks up from the ground, where he's seated with legs folded and a box on his lap. "Oh, this? I'm taking out our clothes."

"Our...?", Jimin starts, but halts as they see what's in Taehyung's boney hands. It's a garment, made out of a thin fluttery fabric, with a fun floral print.

It takes the older one a while to recognise the item, even if they've purchased it only last week. "Tae-ah, is that my croptop?", they asks protectively before trying to snatch it from their friend's hands. Taehyung laughs widely and loudly, scrambling onto the bed behind him and holds the croptop with stretched arms, as far away from Jimin as he can. Jimin grunts, slips out a small, annoyed laugh and climbs over the other, attempting to retrieve their garment. "Give it back, you punk!", they huff out frustratedly as the younger is too fast.

"Give what back?", a voice asks cheerfully from the doorframe.

Jimin's head snaps back in an instant and Taehyung's probably looking past him too, though he's cautious enough to hide the content of his hand in the pillow behind him.

Hoseok doesn't seem to know what's going on and still smiles, unsuspecting, with arms crossed and frame moving in quick circles to see what's the fuss about. "What's going on?", he asks.

Jimin never thought it'd be hard to think up a lie, and _please_ let them come up with one anyway because Taehyung is much worse at it. Jimin's face heats up, their heartbeat can be felt thumping in their neck and wow, they suddenly feel hydrated and out of voice?

"What, was I interrupting a moment or something?," Hoseok jokes with a horribly smug expression on his face. 

The youngest of the three flings a pillow at the eldest for that. "No, we were just looking at clothes!"

His best friend's panicky stare moves from Hoseok to Taehyung at that. Jimin hopes their pleading expression and yell muffled in their closed mouth says enough to him. 

Unfortunately, Hoseok shuts the door and walks in anyway, taking seat at the side of his bed, probably also reminding them that it's _his_ and they shouldn't jump around or whatever on it.

Taehyung tries his best to keep the top now not from Jimin's reach, but from Hoseok's sight. His attempt is futile though. The box by the side of the bed is still in plain sight and the rapper bows, roaming his arms through it and picking out something white. Oh no. It's Taehyung's skirt. No no no we're fucked, spooks through Jimin's mind.

"Are these fan's gifts?"

Jimin looks in shock at the elder. Then back at the other below them. Should they tell him yes? Just flat out lie, but at least be done with this topic? But how long until they have to lie again, and again, until they get found out anyway? In a much worse way? Jimin starts to feel a bit sick.

Taehyung shakes his head a bit in the pillow and Jimin assumes they understand the hint.

"Yea-"

"No-"

Oh.

Hoseok gives them both a dry smile and plants his ass back further, wobbling lightly on the mattress. "You bought this stuff yourselves, right?"

The two nod, slowly- anxiously.

"And it's for yourselves too?"

Jimin's jaw drops a bit. "Eh, the- uhm-", they start, but Taehyung interrupts. "Yeah." So he practically decided to keep an open book with the elder, okay.

The latter nods, hums and lays the skirt flatly on the bed, adjusting the folds until it looks pleated as it should be. "Can you show me how you combinate it?"

The 95ers give each other warm smiles at that and brighten up. "Yes! But..." Jimin licks their bottom lip and grins, happy about having thought up an idea that makes it fair for both parties. If Hoseok can still not be fully trusted now, then he must be involved more to avoid him telling others. "Only if you wear this top," Jimin presents the idea. Literally; they pick another top and toss it at Hoseok, who is quick to catch it.

"Why not?", he asks with a loud laugh after.

 

It takes a bit longer than preferred to get changed, but it's only logical it would take a while when they switch turns with getting dressed and turning away to give the other privacy. It probably sounds a bit weird when it's just your roommates, but Taehyung gets sincerely uncomfortable by (near) nudeness and Jimin too, though the rule doesn't seem to apply to their own body when they walk through the dorm or hotel room after a shower. Hoseok on the other hand is on another level; he's known to be the most perverted member of the group (perhaps after Namjoon, but at least he's more quiet) and will give a terrible remark or buttslap whenever he sees his chance. Taehyung and later on Jimin put their hands on his eyes, keeping both him from doing something dirty and keeping themselves preoccupied. Okay, that and maybe they all want it to feel a bit exciting to dress up, and wan't to keep each other's appearances a surprise for each turn.

Hoseok is last and takes the shortest, since there's only a top available for him to wear. "You can look, you dorks."

Jimin hesitantly turns around, afraid the elder tried to trick them, but the coast is clear so it's okay to tap Taehyung's shoulder.

The two youngest stare in awe, unsure of what to say. "Hobi-hyung, this is...", Jimin mumbles.

"What, not good? I knowww, my belly button is weird. Maybe I should just wear something long-"

"No, it looks great on you!!", Taehyung is quick to reassure him. 

Jimin nods. "It does. Maybe you need some more items in the future, but that's it." Hoseok's black leather skinny pants that he already had do look nice with the short sleeved croptop. It may be coloured plain white, but somehow basic colours do look the best on the rapper, if Jimin has to be honest.

If smiles could literally shine, then Hoseok's, squished in between two wonderful soft round cheeks, would be blinding. "Ohh thank you guys, you look amazing too," he says, giving them an obnoxiously powerful hug. "But... 'future'? What do you mean, you wanna crossdress again with me?"

If hearts could literally just spontaneously drop out of your rib case, Jimin would be sure theirs has fallen by now and is rolling somewhere under a closet. Hoseok has misunderstood ever since he discovered the clothes. Should the other two just leave it at that? They've exposed too much of themselves already, surely things will escalate if they try to pass this barrier too. It's too big; too risky. There's only so much of what people tolerate or try to understand, and Jimin can't be too upset if they don't get everything themself either. Yet they _are_ upset and they can't help letting out a shaky breath.

"Ah, crossdressing..." Taehyung mumbles, almost defeatedly, as he holds onto the stairs to Jimin's top bunk bed behind his back. He sends a look to Jimin and grimaces, communicating "should we tell him?"

"Huh? Oh, you bought this at the men's department then?", Hoseok ask. Wrong again. His eyebrows are raised and his voice sounds funny, but there is really nothing else but confusion to his question.

Taehyung whispers a soft "no", while playing a bit with the end of his white pleated skirt since Jimin is too far away to play with their hair, fingers, anything Tae could use right now. Normally the skirt looks pretty on him, like how it displays nicely on his tan legs and under his cream coloured sweater. His short white ankle socks make a cute combination with the rest too, but...

But honestly, it doesn't feel that flattering at all in this moment. He feels embarrassed- his whole outfit feels silly on him. What was he thinking? Did he really think someone would _not_ think this is just some funny dress up? Is that actually not what this is? Some clothes you put on, have a laugh at and forget about? Taehyung doesn't feel like that's the case for him, but if it's what Hoseok thinks, then...

"Jimin?", Hoseok calls suddenly.

The youngest of the three looks up and is startled at the sight. His best friend, who always carries a smile on their face and seems to have endless positive energy, is crying.

"Jiminie, did I say something wrong? I'm so sorry, I know I joke around with you but-", Hoseok tries.

"No... n- oh," they hiccup. Their face is unnaturally hot, burning, and the tears running down it feel so uncomfortable. But wiping them away doesn't help, they just keep coming. Jimin feels betrayed by their own body. They don't want it to be known what they really are, they want to keep quiet and never speak of the happenings on this evening again. But here they are, shaking, hyperventilating and weeping in front of their lost roommates. Drawing only more attention. The two must be bored with them, Jimin thinks.

Eventually they don't make any sounds anymore when crying, as their breathing has calmed a bit, but the tears are still flowing. Fluttering eye lashes and looking at their best friend with blurry sight, they see he's trying his best to not cry too. Hoseok is actually looking pretty on edge as well, and the poor guy doesn't even know what's wrong. It's dramatic to Jimin, how they break out in tears as if something terrible has happened. But nothing has happened yet, right? Maybe it'll be alright, Jimin thinks, when remembering how well Tae and Yoongi took the news. They warm up (figuratively, their real temperature is in fact finally dropping) to the soft touch of Hoseok's hands on their cheek, and his light kisses on Jimin's scalp.

Which reminds them of a fact about Hoseok, something that he told in secrecy to Jimin and no one else in the entertainment industry, just like Yoongi. Perhaps he will understand better than Jimin initially thought.

"Hyung, I... Sorry for cr- ing s- oh much...", they peep out. Taehyung stops walking in circles anxiously like he did for a while, and places his hands on his friends' backs, guiding them to sit down on the bed again. It's for the better, because Jimin's legs could not support their shivering body much longer.

"Ssshh, no need to be sorry," Hoseok hushes while the youngest wraps his arms around Jimin's waist, hugging them close and nuzzling his face against the floral print top.

"Tae-", Jimin suddenly speaks, tilting their head a bit until their bangs brushes against the mentioned person. "Taetae-ah, shall we just... tell him?" Their right arm moves a little under Taehyung's hold and fingers crawl up, until they can hold the big hands on their bare waist. The movements tickle a bit on the skin and have Jimin jolting up, giggling.

The younger singer subs his nose affectionately against the back one last time, before responding "Yeah. Do you wanna start?"

"Hn-hm."

It's still hard to do this. "Okay, so- You said- crossdressing- And I mean, you couldn't have known better, but... That's not what we're doing."

Every second Jimin doesn't explain further, they feel the tension rising. "Okay, then what are you doing? Do you just see these clothes as unisex? I mean, Jeonggukie thinks the same about his perfume and body product collection, so I can get where you're-"

"No, hyung," Jimin interrupts, sounding too bold in their own opinion so they bite their lip, dealing with the guilt for a few more seconds.

This is where Taehyung takes over. "It's not crossdressing because... because we're not boys, hyung."

Jimin's jaw drops again, and they see Hoseok do the same. Oh no, this is going wrong, they panick. "And, but, don't think it has anything to do with our bodies, hyung, we- You know we were born as- what our bodies- Ugh, we were raised as boys but we recently realised we aren't male." Using the right language is so difficult. One wrong word, and they'll use it against you. Make the wrong assumptions. Misgendering, is what it's called, but Jimin doesn't know all those English or specific terms too well, plus they probably won't use those in real life anyway. But it's still good to know.

The reaction is... a lot better than what 95 line had prepared themselves for.

"So you're trans...gender? Are you two trans girls then? Or am I mistaken?"

Jimin's face is still flushed and they let out a short, gaspy breath. It's really okay now to stress out less. But the lump in their troath is still there. "Tra- trans, yes, but ladies... I can't speak for Tae-ah," hey say, turning their head back again to look at their friend.

"No, I'm not a girl," he shrugs, even if his eyes are widened in shock, staring over Jimin's shoulders into empty space. He still can't believe this conversation is actually happening. "What about you?", he asks, nudging his best friend in his embrace.

"Me...? I don't- really know yet." Why did they ever want to come out about this? What's the point of they don't know what exactly to come out as even? Those kinds of things race through Jimin's brains. "I'm sorry," they apologise quickly after, head hanging low.

"Hey, hey, Jimin," Hoseok's voice calls softly as said person's cheeks are cupped. Taehyung adjusts the grip on his own fingers a bit and slides them through each other again, cuddling his friend as intimately as possible. "No need to be sorry. It takes time to sort these things out, longer than - what, a week or so? What was it?" Jimin simply nods, affirming it's been a week since they thought deeply about this. Hoseok continues, "Anyway, I get it, I really do, and I hate to see you beat yourself up for not saying this or that. I really don't care about that, I just-"

At this point Jimin starts to whail loudly again at the support and shit, do they hate how it reminds them of babies. Hoseok smiles with a faint sense of worry, as they wipe they tears off the other's cheeks with his thumbs. "I just want you to know you can trust me. And, Jimin." Taehyung wants to comment on how the eldest might need a tissue for the tears running down his glowing cheeks, but he opts to keep quiet. "Just look at you~! In your pretty top and skinny jeans! They make your butt and chest look super cute-" Jimin can't help the bubbly laugh escaping their lips, even if it comes out a bit painful during the sobs. "And your make up-"

...is actually not too best right now. Sure, it was for most of the day, but now, the eye shadow is smudged and faded, and there are darker stripes going from Jimin's waterline to their jawline, foundation obviously being washed away there by flowing tears. Taehyung isn't looking much better off either.

"Okay, your make up is a bit of a mess," Hoseok laughs and now they all do. "But we'll do that next time, okay? You two look so pretty, you _are_ absolutely pretty, and I'm gonna make sure we'll have these moments where you can feel like that more often. This room will be a gender neutral zone for you two from now on. Okay?"

They nod. Okay.

"And no more crying," he adds, telling them sternly the mood shouldn't be this gloomy next time.

"Hyung, you are not in a position to- ahahah- say that!" Jimin comments on Hoseok's teary red eyes before falling to their side from laughter, pulling Taehyung who was still giving a backhug along. And Hoseok collapses too, accidently kicking the box of clothing away across the floor as his legs fly through the air. But he doesn't care much anymore; the urge to laugh is too strong.

Once the laughter has died out, Jimin remembers just how tired they were before this, and now it hits them twice as hard, both physical and mental exhaustion kicking in.

With effort, they manage to take off the clothes (suddenly not caring anymore who sees who), brush teeth and remove whatever is left of make up.

When retreating to the shared room, they find Taehyung kneeling down by the bed they all just sat on. He's petting Hoseok's hair and the latter hums softly, though with a somewhat croaky voice. He sometimes needs to be petted like this to fall asleep and Jimin thinks it's the most adorable thing. Luckily for the elder, Taehyung already naturally plays with other people's hair (sideburns but also ears are his favourite parts). Taehyung nor anyone in the group knows yet that it's an autistic trait, where you need to stimulate your senses, but maybe it doesn't matter that much. Tae is very self aware of how he is and over time he's learnt to stay true to himself.

"I think he's asleep," Taehyung whispers after a while and only then Jimin realises he's been spacing out, spinning circles above his weak legs. What time is it? Maybe it's best not to know. They try to climb up the stairs to their own level of the bunk bed, but misses the right step and nearly falls over, if not for Taehyung clutching onto their left arm. "No way, you're not gonna climb up," is all he has to say before Jimin sighs, giving in and crawling into the bottom bed.

"I'm so glad it ended so well," Jimin speaks softly, nestling their head in Taehyung's pillow. Or wait, it's a plushie. Ow, that doesn't feel too right under your head.

"Me too," their friend replies, smiling while audibly exhaling through his nostrils.

"I'm so glad he took it so well, just like Yoongi-hyung..."

"Huh? He knows too?"

Jimin turns embarrassed and curls up a little. They honestly thought they had told this their bestie already.

"Yeah, since we both ha- We trust each other lots." It's a wonder Jimin didn't accidently out the elder yet, with how fatigue is taking control over themself. And concentration was already not their best quality. But loyalty is, so that must be why they can still keep this up.

"Okay, then I trust him on it too."

"Okay."

"Tae-ah?"

"Hm?" It sounds like a groan. Any longer and he'll be asleep. Or try to punch Jimin for keeping him up.

"Good luck this week. With the album." Jimin means it; there's packed schedules awaiting them starting tomorrow (today?) and a little boost can't do harm.

"Oh. Thank you. You too."

Jimin smiles under the covers and listens to the sound of silence, that slowly turns into the sounds of Hoseok moving his arm up in the air and Taehyung mumbling in his sleep. It makes Jimin realise just how often they have these special conversations at night, or at least in bed, or at the very least in a private area. It makes them sad how it might be like that forever, but knowing how there are more people to talk with now makes it easier to handle.

That's the last thing before their thoughts make less sense, become scrambled, become images of every face and environment they've seen today, and maybe more, like animation characters of which Jimin doesn't even if they exist, and colours, and atmospheres- it all flashes in front of their eyes as they feel like being pulled along by their body until, finally, they fall in a short but deep sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh finally an update that didn't take ages. please let me know what you think of the story so far! ;u;


	7. Notice, Apology

Hi guys,

 

I'm so sorry for not updating this story for the past... what, five months? I didn't deliberately quit writing on it, it just happened. I occasionally try to think about the story again but I can't.

[ Mentions of transphobia below ]

Perhaps it's because ever since I came out to my mom I was told she understood and knew lots about trans stuff, but within three days she started misgendering again. This was a year ago. All that's changed is that she now consciously misgenders and makes transphobic jokes, rather than unknowingly. I'm scared of my dad's reaction, and even more about other people in my family like my agressvely homopobic brother (so nvm trans views) to whom my mom happily outted me as not straight before (which resulted in some awful slurs used). So I chose to not talk anymore about it and I try to just not respond to any convo or remark about gender and orientation so I won't call myself the wrong gender ut also not give them the idea I'm trans. I don't want to pretend to live a life as someone I'm not, but I really don't have the energy or assurance to try coming out again. It's stressful, and terrifying.

Long story short, I'm only further back into the closet and thinking about my gender hurts terribly, which makes writing this story too hard because a lot of personal thoughts are put in it.

My ideas of neurodivergent things have also changed a bit and some things that are stated in this story's scenario might have to be changed too, but that'sa less big factor.

Hopefully I can find some peace at mind and write further to this story some time soon because it could really use closure, but that is not now.

I hope that you (if anyone even still remembers this fic) will understand and bare with me. Once again, I'm so sorry. I would love to write a positive trans themed story and we could all use it especially in a time like this, but I just can't right now.

I do have newer fics that I'm working on currently, but they're mostly smut or nsfw in general and kind of the only things I am mentally capable of writing rn.

Sorry.

Hope you have a happy Pride Month.

 

\- Joselingering


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